What Happened to Happily Ever After?

Fairytales are a favorite of most little girls. They anticipate the moment the prince and princess are united at the end of the story and, of course, pronounced to live happily ever after. Then the little girl can sigh deeply with a smile on her face and dream of her own Prince Charming that will someday sweep her off her feet, literally. The man that will rescue her from the drab dullness of chores, everyday life, and the need to live within a budget. The problem is, finding Prince Charming does not make you exempt in real life, from chores, woes, and financial stresses; unless you do happen to marry a bona fide prince. By my calculations, the availability of male royalty is severely lacking if every young girl's dream is to be satisfied in that manner. Couple that travesty with the bitter disappointment that a girl faces when she thinks she has finally met her non-royal Prince Charming, only to find out that once she kissed the frog and changed him to a prince, he never forgot his old froggy ways. In the end, it almost seems that fairytales do a disservice to impressionable young minds. Currently, several of my friends are trying to figure out what to do with froggy husbands and wondering what happened to their princes. I wonder if it would have been more helpful, to read a fairytale that ended by stating "and the prince and princess married, took out a loan for a nicer castle, and made mortgage payments for 30 years. They also had several children, that enjoyed testing the sanity of their royal parents regularly, and often humbled them in front of the village subjects by their *sometimes* impolite behavior. The prince and princess decided to move to a far off land, to avoid living near one another's families. The prince couldn't reconcile himself to his commoner in-laws and the princess thought her in-laws were King and Queen Snootypants." At least this kind of commentary would hit a little closer to reality. Most days, I feel like I have found my Prince Charming, but I am not sure living happily ever after is really possible, because happiness is fleeting and emotion driven. We can live a life of joy together, but anyone that lives, knows it "ain't" all happiness. These thoughts were more provoked, not so much by my own life right now, but by the lives of many close to me. I realized, that even with all of the negative circumstances, I have a reason to be thankful. Things are far from perfect or even ideal, but walking this road with the people God has put in my life, makes it doable. I can't imagine not having my prince by my side, even if he isn't ALWAYS princely.

Just Call Me Eeyore

Do any of you have those friends, that whenever you talk to them, you get depressed?  Those friends, that no matter what is going on in life, something bad is always happening to them? They seem to pass through life with an impenetrable black cloud lingering over their head. I have a few of those friends, and when they call and leave messages, I have to work up the energy to call them back, because I know the conversation will be a downer.  No matter when and where we talk, I can be assured, that their life is in tumult. Today, I had the sudden realization that I am one of those people. Upon reviewing my life over the last year and a half, I realized the dark cloud has situated itself directly over my head. If I had to call myself on the phone, I would need to work up the energy to talk to myself! Talk about a humbling realization. I have become a huge drag to be around! I wonder if when people see me coming, they run for cover. Do they screen my calls?  "Great it is HER again."

Most of what has happened in life recently, I have little control over, but my husband very poignantly informed me that it is not so much what happens, but how I react to it that makes the difference in being one of THOSE people.  Admittedly, I am not reacting very well to the curve balls I have been thrown. Instead of dodging or swinging, I am letting them hit me right in the face. And then, after I am hit, I get really hurt and really pissed. Part of that, is my own fault, and part of that is just life handing me a giant bag of stinky crap.

This week has yielded more crap. My handicapped aunt has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Since my grandma passed away in October, my aunt has become a prominent person in my life, because I had been trying to take care of her. After getting her settled, I felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief. But now there is this.

Here is the thing, I have spent the last two days really upset, for a number of reasons that I won't rehash, but as of right now, I am CHOOSING to be an optimist. We don't know the severity of the situation yet, perhaps it was caught early. Until I hear definitively, I will attempt to stay positive. This type of approach is not my forte. It will take a conscious effort, and probably require a lot of work on my part to maintain. And if the news is bad, well, I guess I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it.  Day to day crap, really makes it hard to maintain an eternal perspective, doesn't it?

Gain does not come without some loss.  The older I get, the more perspective I gain, but for crying out loud...I wish the process was less painful.

Anger, Regret, and Defeat

I have experienced a myriad of emotions regarding our rental house.  In every way that we could possibly have been screwed, we have. The long and the short of it, is we are faced with fairly bleak alternatives regarding the money pit. Our insurance, was not replacement cost value, but rather actual cost value.  And that changed in the month prior to the fire.  Talk about horrible, HORRIBLE timing. I want to rail and scream at the unfairness of it all. Nothing since the first year of this venture, has been easy, profitable, or beneficial regarding this house. Nothing. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would flee the other direction from this brainchild of an investment opportunity. It has been 8 years of bad news. 8 years of problems. 8 years of headaches.

Basically, we have learned that we will be granted just enough to cover the remaining mortgage. Sounds ideal, right? Not so much. The biggest problem that is left to us, is what to DO with a partially  burned down house. Several people have offered up suggestions, none of which have proven to be realistic, not even in the realm of giving it away.   Because, shocking as this might be, no one seems to want the burden of such an extensive fixer upper. Someone MIGHT be willing to take a cleared lot, but unless you have roughly 10k burning a hole in your back pocket it must be conceded that it doesn't happen magically. Alternately, I want to cry or throw up.  I am not sure which, and it depends on the moment at which you catch me.  Technically, we could try to repair it for the pittance we are being granted, but then we are left to once again attempt to unload a house in a neighborhood that has become less than desirable. It is the known losses versus the potential and unknown losses.

Couple all of these present woes, with the dashed dreams of being able to use this house as a means to help with some future college expenses, and I just feel beaten down.  There is not one shred of hope, and while I am trying to muster up the energy to "be thankful in all circumstances" I am not currently able to do so.  I give up trying to find the silver lining, which is not my natural bent anyway, and I admit this war has been lost.  Each battle fought was in vain.

I apologize to my husband for dragging him down this path of insanity. It was/is my fault. This was my idea in the beginning, and I appreciate him for trying to not point fingers, but at this point it is hard, when I KNOW I started the ball rolling. I am pointing the fingers at myself.

So there you have the summary of one of the worst investment decisions ever.

Hanging the Picture

When my maternal grandmother passed away in October, there was a picture that hung on her family room wall; that picture was left for me. We had talked about it when she was alive, and she told me that it was mine if I wanted it. I left it in her house for awhile, because bringing it home meant she was really gone and things were changing. But, as renovations to her house were being started and tackled, my mother sent it home with me so that it would not get damaged in the chaos or taken by someone else. Unfortunately, I still wasn't ready for it to be here. For literally months, that picture has been sitting on my living room floor, propped against the wall, with the back facing out. Tonight we hung the picture over our fireplace. It is a picture of a brightly lit cottage nestled among trees, but only a stone's throw from the ocean. One large wave is rolling onto the shore, just large enough to make its presence known, but not big enough to be a threat to the cottage. After hanging the picture, my husband and I sat on our couch staring at it. We decided we both could live in a place like that, but the waves made us nervous. Too easily a storm could break, and wipe out the cozy cottage, we decided our cottage would need to be much further away from the water. Then we decided that perhaps my grandmother was living in a cottage just like that one now in heaven, and outside of the picture, to the left, in a place that we couldn't see was her large rose garden. That way she would have everything from nature that she loved, close at hand; trees, water, and a flower garden. And she need never worry about waves crashing into her cottage, because that wouldn't happen in heaven. It was a happy thought and a sad one all at the same time. But, even though I got a little choked up seeing this picture finally hanging in my house, it was time.