My Grandma

For me, today has been a rough day emotionally.  My grandma is two months from her 91st birthday and her health is failing. Logically, I should accept it as life, but I am not having an easy time with this truth. Every family member that has died in my life, has done so in either December or January. For the last two years, I have geared up for this time of year with apprehension and anxiety, and this year is no different. If my grandmother could last on spunk alone, she would live for many years to come. Sadly, her heart and kidneys are betraying her though, and her living for years is most likely nothing more than a work of fiction that  I would love to believe.  

I help her out four mornings a week, and this morning, I noticed her foot looked discolored and swollen.  She had an appointment with her cardiologist this afternoon, and the crux of the matter is her circulation is poor.  The definite cause is unknown, but her heart isn't pumping as it should, and her kidneys are not functioning more than 25%.  There aren't a ton of options to fix the problem because one solution would cause a problem in another area.  She will have an ultrasound on her legs Wednesday to pinpoint what might be the cause, and what, if anything, can be done for certain. If nothing can be done, and her circulation does not improve, her limbs will die. 

My grandma has an amazing toughness about her, and when I look at her, I feel weak.  She was born in the Depression Era and lived her early adult life during World War II.  Hardships and disappointment were to be expected.  Her attitude has always been, some things in life you just can't change.  You may not like them, but you can't change them, so just keep on living your life the best you can. It is a resignation and acknowledgment that some things are simply out of our control. But the fine line is that it is not a defeatist attitude.  As long as there is breath in her lungs she will not be defeated. At the age of 82 she suffered from a massive staph infection. She lost the use of her left leg at that point and was forced to figure out life from the perspective of a wheelchair.  Until the last year, she has still worked harder than most younger people with use of all their limbs. It was a challenge that she overcame, not without complaint, after all she is only human, but with determination. I wish I knew more people with as much grit as she exudes. 

I love my grandma, and I am blessed to have her as long as I have, but I am also selfish in wanting to keep her for much longer.  My heart is aching, and I am pretending like I can deny the inevitable, but life always equals loss, and that is a very bitter pill to swallow.