Advocating

Most of you that read my blog know that shortly after my last post, my grandmother did in fact pass away. Her absence has left a large gaping hole in our lives, that I am trying to figure out how to fill appropriately. Some days are good days, and some days simply are not.  There is always business to attend to with death, a little unsavory detail that people probably don't realize; endless paperwork, planning, estate settling, etc. Though the responsibilities truly fall on my grandmother's children, at least in theory, my dad (her son-in-law) and I have taken on some tasks as well.

The last several weeks I have been trying to secure care for my handicapped aunt.  She lived full-time with my grandmother, and I am exploring future housing options that seem like they would be best for her. That being said, it has not been without obstacles.  I am trying to honor my grandmother's express last wishes, regarding my aunt's care, though some family members would simply rather do what is easiest for them, and go against those.  Because of the fear of the unknown, it is easier to just put my aunt at one of her sibling's homes and in essence forget about her.  For years, she has been missing out on opportunities that her other friends have been a part of, because she lived with family that couldn't find the time or have the means to do things with her. No one really wants to give her the opportunity to spread her wings and try something new.  They would rather assume that she can't do things, and leave it at that. You know the really ironic part? Tonight, my aunt was referring to me as her sister, and my husband as her brother-in-law. I have taken on a role that is more sisterly than one defined as aunt and niece, and in truth it is probably more sisterly than the relationships between her and her actual sisters. Time and time again, I see her written off, people talk at her, and not to her. They boss, they don't ask. And this is her family.  The caregivers we have encountered outside of the family, they treat her as though she matters.  They do things with her and make her feel like she is "normal". In a world with other handicapped friends and caregivers trained to take care of them, she is normal. Unfortunately, I feel like people in the family see her more as a burden. I am torn and frustrated, and feel like my efforts are being undermined.  Believe me, there are days that I just want to throw my hands up and  walk away from the whole thing, but I can't.  Not yet, anyway. My grandma trusted me, and she valued my opinions.  Even if my opinions matter little to anyone else in this situation, I know she trusts me to act in the best interests of my aunt, and if she could talk to me now, I know she would be behind my efforts.

Not long ago, my eldest and I were reading a story about Clara Barton.  She was the founder of the American Red Cross. In her experience, she found that those that were forced to help themselves or take responsibility for rebuilding their lives following a disaster, were the ones that were more likely to succeed and thrive after a catastrophe. The ones that were simply given everything, they had no reason to try, no purpose, and they did not come out the better for it.  I feel like my aunt is on the other end of a disaster. She needs a purpose in her life, not to be coddled. She needs to contribute to her own well-being, so that she can be confident in her abilities, whatever they may be. She needs to know that people believe in her, so that she can succeed.  Expecting her to fail, sets her up to fail.

I believe in her, and I will tell her that every day. Everyone has handicaps of some sort.  Some are more easily overcome than others, I want to give her a chance to try and overcome some of her disabilities.