Shopping Interrupted

I will be honest, it has been very difficult to get in the holiday spirit this year.  We were fairly lackluster about our decorating, in fact, had we not purchased a new pre-lit tree that just happened to already be assembled because it was the display model, I have my doubts that we/I would have found the motivation to even have a tree. Then there are the Christmas cards and the gift buying, those haven't gone smoothly either.  I received my fun photo cards that I ordered for Christmas, and got the first ten or so out into the mail a week ago, and then I stalled. Now I have less than a week to Christmas, and a bunch of cards to address. Wondering if it is really worth the effort or not.

Usually, I prefer to have the gift buying done early.  I love shopping online, it makes life so much easier than wandering aimlessly through stores.  Online I can find what I want, almost always, I just need to plan for appropriate shipping time.  This year, that was not the case.  My kids' birthdays snuck up on me unawares, and then bam!  Christmas did the same thing.  Today, I was in the store, wandering the aisles, trying to buy a few last gifts, and hating everything about it. I don't like to be the last minute shopper.  I don't like being out with all the other crazy people that are doing last minute shopping.  I don't like the feeling of panic that gets set in motion if I DON'T find the right gift. But this year, I have another thing I don't like about the shopping. Today, I kept having the oddest sensations. I couldn't find what I wanted for a few last people on my list, and then I would see something that one of my grandmother's would have liked. and I would think, "oh, she would love that.  I haven't bought anything for her yet." I barely completed the thought when reality caught up with my brain interrupting my thoughts with a, "never mind." You would think that having that happen once or twice during my outing would have been enough, but every time I was in a store, I caught myself doing it. Each time I just felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness too. It was like some sort of weird dream, only I was awake. And I had to keep reliving the fact that they are both gone. Having my grandmas in my life, taking care of them, loving them, was so second nature that the reflex of shopping for them is still lingering, apparently. I am not sure when those silly memory lapses fade, but I hope it is soon.  I know someday I will be able to walk into a store and see some thing that reminds me of them and it will make me smile with the remembering. Today, this week, this year, is not that time.  It is too soon, and I am still grieving.