If I Were a Vampire....

I understand that garlic is used as a repellent to ward off evil and spirits filled with evil notions, one such guardian of evil, is apparently the vampire.  However, I think that it is imperative to acknowledge here, that garlic not only possesses the ability to ward off evilness, but also mere mortals, that are usually loving and good.

Today, my husband, kindly ditched me at a dance competition, so that he could go partake of the delicious offerings served up by Benihana. Perhaps, if I were invited to dine with him, the overwhelming scent of garlic wafting from his every pore, would not bother me as much if it were mingled with my own garlic saturated stench.  As it is, I did not join him, therefore, it does bother me. A LOT. In fact, if I were a vampire, I would not only be warded off, but I am certain I would be dead. Who needs a stake in the heart when you have Benihana?

We have discussed ways he could possibly improve his breath, as every word spoken my direction, brings a temporary loss of consciousness. Yes, he brushed his teeth, and now, I am enveloped by a "delightful" mint scented garlic breeze when he speaks. Helpfully, I offered that perhaps it might be improved if he licked the toilet. Trust me when I say, I am not kidding.

It is not safe to stand in front of him when he speaks, nor is it safe to stand behind him, OR to the side of him when he is NOT speaking. The extremely unpleasant surprise of a silent gastric emission is even less agreeable than the wind of his spoken words. So, I am hiding, at the other end of the house, plotting my revenge, by eating at least 5lbs. of onions in the very near future. After all, everything is fair in love and war AND food, right?