Acceptance

I have started many blogs in the last two weeks, but haven't posted any of them. Sometimes my blog ends up being a journal of personal thoughts that I am working through but others never see.  One of my latest struggles that I have been battling, that I will share, is finding the balance of being a mom and a protector to my kids while also letting them stand on their own two feet.

The conclusion I have drawn is that a lot of people's kids suck.  Not mine, at least not in the way I am thinking, but in my experience as a former child and now a parent, I remain baffled by unkind behavior.  And to take it a step further, girls are the WORST.  Thus far, my kids are pretty sensitive.  They try to include everyone when they are in groups, and truly never talk badly about another child.  Never. My kids aren't saints by any stretch, but they do show compassion and kindness. Therefore, when they are playing with other children and are excluded by actions or hurtful words, it shocks them.  They just don't understand.  Internally, I seethe when I see it happen, but the cold hard fact is not everyone is going to like them, and I need to, at times, let them navigate what the rough waters of childhood look like.  However, when I see my youngest square her shoulders and walk ramrod straight away from a group of kids, I know that she  trying to be tough; trying to act like she is unaffected. The exact opposite is true though, she is fighting back tears.

As a parent, I say words, that I know would have held little meaning to me as a child, yet I know in my heart they are true.  It IS the other child's loss, if they don't want to be friends with one of my children. My kids are sweet, silly, kind, and loyal. They may fight with each other, but I have never seen them argue or fight with a friend.

This week has been particularly hard for my youngest, and each time I see something happen, I want to scoop her up and cuddle her. Truth be told, I have a hard time not being hateful to the little girls that are mean to her. I remember what it was like being left out in school and having kids insult me to my face, and even though I am all grown up now, it stings to see it happen to your babies. Additionally, I want to hold Christian children to a higher standard, but at times, they are even worse.  I went to a Christian school, and the kids are just as ruthless there as anywhere.

Bottom line, I want to protect my kids from the pain of rejections, but I know I can't.  Not in every circumstance.  So, I sit back, and watch, and pray; offering up mommy hugs, when the brave facade melts away.

I still remember a time, when I was on the hateful end of behavior.  I was in junior high, and I so desperately wanted to be accepted, that I made fun of a friend of mine.  The popular kids always made fun of us both, so I thought if I made fun of her, they would accept me.  It was a desperate attempt to gain favor. Instead, she walked in behind me, and heard every word.  I know I hurt her.  And all it did was cost me her friendship, because I certainly didn't become popular.  The kids that instigated me, were thrilled to see me crash and burn. That memory has stuck so vividly in my mind, because the feeling was terribly uncomfortable, that I not only betrayed my friend, but who I was. That was a turning point for me, a point where I knew I never wanted to compromise myself for acceptance from others.

Hopefully, my children will be able to avoid a moment like that, and know that their worth is not based on what one or several insecure children think.  But it is still hard to watch events unfold and not go all wounded mama bear crazy on some 8 year old.    What can I say?  I am a work in progress.