The Flood Gates Opened

This week has been a tough one.  I have been under the weather just enough that I have felt blah, but not enough to crawl in bed and stay there.  I manage during the day, and then crash hard by the evening.  That being said, that hasn't really been the tough part of my week.  The tough part has been, having to sort out what I perceived as a personal attack on me.  I spend a lot of time building walls around myself allowing only certain people a glimpse inside the walls. Frankly, I used to always act tough and respond with sarcasm to protect myself.  However, I think I am getting soft in my old age.  2011 was such a hard year, with so much loss, that in some ways it weakened my defenses.  My carefully constructed facades had leaks of emotion spurting out of them at the most inopportune times.  Crying in public is my least favorite display of emotion.  I would rather get angry or terse than have make-up running down my face and receive pity glances.  Truthfully, I don't know what do with criers myself, so being a crier is uncomfortable for me.  You can imagine the annoyance I felt, when this week I became a crier.  Assumptions were made and criticisms were given in such a way, that it was abundantly clear the person delivering these words knew nothing about me or my character. At first I felt angry, but as the attack continued, and it became evident to me this person considered my efforts a failure, I started to feel emotion well up within.  Desperately, I tried to hold back the tears, but they squeezed out anyway. The presence of my tears, did not soften the attack, and I tried to end the conversation as quickly as possible.  However, after this interchange, every time someone else asked if I was all right, the traitorous tears would start again.  No one believes, "Yeah, I am fine", when you have tears running down your cheeks.  Argh!

My husband often teases that "I am dead inside"a reference to Chandler in the old show Friends. That really isn't the case, I just know what things I can't let breakthrough, or I would be a mess on a daily basis.  But this assessment is becoming less and less of a reality as the years pass by. At this rate, it won't be long before I drown in a puddle of my own tears.  So do me a favor, if I look like I have been crying, just ignore me.  Don't ask, "How are you doing?" Obviously, if I look tearful, I probably was tearful, so let's assume I am not fine and move on, pretending that I am.  I am cool with pretending.

As the days have passed since the confrontation, I am feeling more like my old self; kind of feisty and ready to accept the challenge. With the return of these instincts, I am comforted.  These reactions and feelings are what I know, and what I can work with. Not everyone is going to like me, and that is fine, because I don't like everyone I meet either.  I need to let go of this desire to please everyone, and just focus on pleasing the One that matters most.  But, boy is that hard sometimes.....