Overwhelmed

My worlds are colliding.  Everything that could possibly hit at the same time, is and will be, for the next week and a half. You might wonder how I process extreme levels of stress.  It has taken years of practice, but before I even realize it I am able to tense every single muscle in my body right down to my toes.  Jealous, aren't you?  Cramps and pain manifest themselves in my back, neck, legs, feet, arms, and hands, and the crowning glory is I get grumpy and impatient. And, sleep.  Ah, blessed sleep.  One sure fire way to escape the stress of my daily life, except that I can't sleep, and when I do sleep, I am awakened by panic attacks. This is just another reminder that I can't and shouldn't be doing it all on my own. I bring it on myself, so I truly have no one else to blame, but me.

Before my maternal grandmother died last year, she warned me about trying to do too much and that I needed to slow down. Then she up and died on me, and left a whole lot for me to do! True, I didn't HAVE to do any of it, I CHOSE to do the things that were left unattended. The bottom line is I don't do a very good job of protecting my time, of being intentional in the choices I make or the activities where I spend my time.  At the same time, I don't love being completely free all of the time, because then I feel like I have no purpose.  It comes down to balance, and I am a tightrope walker that falls the moment I start, because I have zero ability to balance.  I don't do it to be a martyr, and to say "woe is me, look how busy I am", and I know others are just as busy or busier.  Maybe they just handle it better?  Or maybe they know where to draw the line?

At any rate, if you see me upright and behaving mostly normal in the next few days, consider that a huge win for me.