They Are Trying To Take Me Down

My whole family has conspired against me.  One by one they have gotten sick. I am the last man, er woman, standing. The problem is, that even though my husband is "on the mend", he still sounds horrible. My eldest, took sick Tuesday night, and my youngest caved last night with a fever.  Temperature checks on the kids, an hour ago, stand at 99.5 for the eldest, and 101.4 for the youngest.   The husband was munching on cereal, with no milk, and while the kids have no real appetite, that sounded like a decent "treat" to them. Hugging his box of Apple Jacks, he declared he didn't want their germy hands in the box, because they were sick.  One should note here, that he was hacking and coughing as he spoke.  Me, I feel fine, just exhausted, because I am not sleeping. Between feverish children waking me and the chorus of phlegmy coughs that fill the not so silent nights, there is no rest for the weary.  And this, this is how it will begin.  Weakening my immune system by sleep deprivation.  Coughing in my face and leaving snotty tissues around the house, that I end up touching in order to dispose of them. It has all been carefully calculated, so that about the time everyone around here is well, I will get this nonsense. At that point, I will be expected to carry on, because I am the mom, and moms aren't allowed to be unwell.

The bright side is, my dog is the happiest he has been in ages.  Having someone home ALL day is a rarity these days. Because of this, he has been spoiled with extra belly rubs all day long. And, my kids, well, at least they are snuggly when they are sick.  They still need their mama. We also watched, The Pirates!  A Band of Misfits, which was cute.  So, It isn't all bad, but it could be better. Tomorrow will look a lot like today did.  We will be staying in until they are fever free for 24 hours.  I am sincerely hoping that will be by tomorrow night.

Surprisingly Calm

Over the last couple of weeks, I have had a few dark spots removed from my fair skin.  The results came back mostly good from the first round of biopsies.  Two areas were fine, and one had abnormal/atypical cells.  Today I had to go back in and have that abnormal spot re-shaved. There was also a spot we were "watching", but given my atypical results, that spot was removed today as well.  I will get the biopsy results in 10 to 14 days for this round.  Bottom line, I need to be vigilant now about checking my skin.  Left untreated, those spots would likely develop into melanoma. Anyone that knows me, knows that words like melanoma would normally send me into a tailspin, but instead I am surprisingly calm.  I think, simply knowing I need to be proactive and have my skin checked regularly, has helped me to feel grounded. The more I get checked by a professional, the more I know what kind of spots to look for, which helps my frame of mind too.  For now, I am going on the six month skin check plan, per the doctor.  It is just one of those things that I have to do.  That being said, I am going to turn this into a PSA...ha!  If you haven't had a skin check and you are mid-thirties or older, then get it done. Pronto!  When I paid my bill today, for the last round of procedures, it was pricey.  I sent my husband an email, and complained.  Ever the wise one, he responded, "Well, how much are cancer treatments?  Let's put this into perspective."  And that, is that.

Acceptance

I have started many blogs in the last two weeks, but haven't posted any of them. Sometimes my blog ends up being a journal of personal thoughts that I am working through but others never see.  One of my latest struggles that I have been battling, that I will share, is finding the balance of being a mom and a protector to my kids while also letting them stand on their own two feet.

The conclusion I have drawn is that a lot of people's kids suck.  Not mine, at least not in the way I am thinking, but in my experience as a former child and now a parent, I remain baffled by unkind behavior.  And to take it a step further, girls are the WORST.  Thus far, my kids are pretty sensitive.  They try to include everyone when they are in groups, and truly never talk badly about another child.  Never. My kids aren't saints by any stretch, but they do show compassion and kindness. Therefore, when they are playing with other children and are excluded by actions or hurtful words, it shocks them.  They just don't understand.  Internally, I seethe when I see it happen, but the cold hard fact is not everyone is going to like them, and I need to, at times, let them navigate what the rough waters of childhood look like.  However, when I see my youngest square her shoulders and walk ramrod straight away from a group of kids, I know that she  trying to be tough; trying to act like she is unaffected. The exact opposite is true though, she is fighting back tears.

As a parent, I say words, that I know would have held little meaning to me as a child, yet I know in my heart they are true.  It IS the other child's loss, if they don't want to be friends with one of my children. My kids are sweet, silly, kind, and loyal. They may fight with each other, but I have never seen them argue or fight with a friend.

This week has been particularly hard for my youngest, and each time I see something happen, I want to scoop her up and cuddle her. Truth be told, I have a hard time not being hateful to the little girls that are mean to her. I remember what it was like being left out in school and having kids insult me to my face, and even though I am all grown up now, it stings to see it happen to your babies. Additionally, I want to hold Christian children to a higher standard, but at times, they are even worse.  I went to a Christian school, and the kids are just as ruthless there as anywhere.

Bottom line, I want to protect my kids from the pain of rejections, but I know I can't.  Not in every circumstance.  So, I sit back, and watch, and pray; offering up mommy hugs, when the brave facade melts away.

I still remember a time, when I was on the hateful end of behavior.  I was in junior high, and I so desperately wanted to be accepted, that I made fun of a friend of mine.  The popular kids always made fun of us both, so I thought if I made fun of her, they would accept me.  It was a desperate attempt to gain favor. Instead, she walked in behind me, and heard every word.  I know I hurt her.  And all it did was cost me her friendship, because I certainly didn't become popular.  The kids that instigated me, were thrilled to see me crash and burn. That memory has stuck so vividly in my mind, because the feeling was terribly uncomfortable, that I not only betrayed my friend, but who I was. That was a turning point for me, a point where I knew I never wanted to compromise myself for acceptance from others.

Hopefully, my children will be able to avoid a moment like that, and know that their worth is not based on what one or several insecure children think.  But it is still hard to watch events unfold and not go all wounded mama bear crazy on some 8 year old.    What can I say?  I am a work in progress.

Wigging Out!

Today I had the privilege of taking my aunt to be fitted for a wig to wear during her months of chemotherapy.  I say privilege, because her attitude astounds me. When I picked her up, she came out of her house, with a colorful scarf draped around her head in a fashion similar to that of middle eastern women.  She looked good, and was proud of her choice of scarf which she picked up at Walmart yesterday.  Her only stipulation to going wig shopping today was that she needed to be back in time to go FISHING! Apparently, she fishes every Monday night with one of her roommates, and loves it.  This in itself, cracked me up.  I never would have guessed that she would enjoy that activity.  I assured her we would be back in time, and off we went on our mission.

In the car she was super chatty, talking about losing her hair, but despite that she felt good physically.  She talked about her mom, and how her mom would probably give her a big hug right now, but she announced that she could wait until she saw her mom and dad again in heaven to get her hug.  Once we arrived at the shop, she unabashedly discarded her scarf and wandered around the shop looking at wigs.  My purpose, was to find her some hair that closely resembled her previous style, which had been the same as long as I can remember; short boy cut, with bangs.  Her hair had darkened to a deep brown over the years, so brunette seemed to be the right choice. Immediately, I gravitated toward dark short-haired wigs.  Suddenly, I heard her call from behind me, "I want this one" I turned around to see her pointing to a platinum blonde long-haired wig.  What the heck?!  Proceeding with caution, I said, "Are you sure? That hair is really long." She pondered it for a moment, stepped back, and then said, "No."  Phew.  Crisis averted! That is, until she wandered over to a shoulder length platinum blonde wig.  Sigh.  I grabbed it and put it in our try on pile.  Every wig I pulled out that resembled her former do, received a decided, "No. I don't like that."  Apparently, she was looking for a "new me" style, and secretly loathed her former hairstyle.  Okay.  I tried to roll with that.  We picked up some brunette wigs with heavy blonde highlights, that was the closest she would agree to her normal color. We also added several strawberry blonde wigs to the pile.  None were super short, nor did she like any with "pouf".  I worried internally that the family would chastise me for the frivolity, but ultimately I decided to bear any criticism.  It was her hair, and she should get what she wanted.  She was the one that had to endure all the hair loss, medicine, and trauma. Thankfully though, once she donned the platinum blonde wig she didn't like the color on her.  She was right, it didn't look good. But the other two colors in our pile were rather complimentary. She wouldn't budge from those, so we came down to style.  She finally chose a strawberry blonde wig slightly longer than chin length with side swept bangs.

It was stylish and flattering, just different.  It took some getting used to just because I hadn't been prepared to see such a change. However, it cannot be denied that she was beaming about her choice.  I teased that when her normal hair started to grow back that she might have to let it grow that length and have it colored to match her wig style.  She answered thoughtfully, "I just might do that." I dare anyone to say anything negative about her choice of wig, because I will happily pummel them. Doing this, brought her so much joy, she was due for some fun.  Bless her.  And it was good for me too.  Seeing her bravery and positive attitude, was humbling.  We had the rest of her hair shaved off, and she put the wig on her head and walked on out of that shop with her smile reaching ear to ear.

Keeping Up

I am finding it hard these days to keep up with the blogging.  Having taken on the role of a tutor/teacher for our local homeschooling group, is keeping me on my toes.  I mean, I don't care if my own kids get a little bored when I am teaching them, but the 8 kids I meet with every Tuesday, well, I want them to look forward to our time together.  For that to happen, it takes work, A LOT of work.

Besides that, I am struggling with a level of selfishness. Most days, I don't have any time to do what I WANT to do.  Not that I am 100% sure what that is, but it doesn't matter, because there isn't often an evening free for me to do whatever that would be. I look at our calendar, scheduled months into the future, and I feel slightly resentful of the obligations. Truthfully, I only have myself to blame, as I blindly committed to things here and there, but that knowledge does little to assuage my frustration.  In fact, it highlights my frustration. Making me wonder why I didn't think things through a little better before the commitments were in place.

Well, enough of my whining.  I will share some fun news, and that is, we are breeding our labradoodle.    If things go well, he should be a daddy by Christmas.  The kids already want to lay claim on a puppy, BUT we aren't willing to do that yet. I am however, looking forward to the prospect of cuddling some cute little furry guys in a few months. If they are anything like our dog, they will be adorable.

Less fun news, I went to the dermatologist last week. I had 3 spots removed, two suspicious, one just annoying.  I have to wait for results to come in either this week or the beginning of next, to determine the next course of action. One of three things can occur, all of the results come back fine and I am done, yay! Obviously, this is my preferred result. If the cells are simply abnormal, they will scrape down until they get results that yield a "normal" result. Sounds unpleasant, but still tolerable.  Lastly, if any kind of cancer cells show up, I am referred on to a surgeon. Anyone who knows me, knows I get a little wired about stuff like this.  But, I am really working hard to be calm and just wait, not my strong suit at all.

I will try to keep up my blog a little better in the near future, despite the busyness of life.

This and That

I am always amazed as to how busy life can get.  We have launched into our school year, and have joined a homeschool community called Classical Conversations.  We meet every Tuesday.  I decided in an effort to really learn the material and teach my kids in the process, that I would take on the role of tutor.  This is a technically teaching, but we can't call ourselves teachers. On Tuesdays, I have eight children, not my own, and we learn the new material for each week.  By the end of the year we will have learned a timeline with more than 288 events, science facts, latin, some English, and math.  This is in addition to what all we are doing at home.  On one hand, it is overwhelming, especially having parents sitting in and watching me teach, but I, myself, am learning a lot too.  So even though it stresses me out some, I am thankful for this opportunity.

This year, I am also trying to get a handle on what possible learning disabilities my youngest might have.  It appears there is evidence of a slight case of dyslexia or some other type of learning glitch, but with focused work, even in this last week, I am encouraged about the process we have made.  Little things have made a huge difference. For instance, we took two index cards and I laminated them in the same pouch leaving a space between the cards.  This clear strip or space allows only the sentence she is reading to show between the index cards, while the cards are covering the sentences she has already read and the ones she has yet to read. It helps with her tracking and keeping her place while reading.  Such a little thing, but it has been marvelous!

We have also started the school year with new rules, thanks to my sister-in-law inspiring me. No television during the school week.  Sunday night to Friday evening we are a television-free household.  Technically, my husband and I can watch an hour each day if we so choose, BUT we rarely get to that. So it has been pretty quiet.  We have also banned video games.  I know you are thinking we are horribly mean parents, but, when it is all said and done, the children rarely have time to miss those things. Weekends are a different story, they are allowed video games as well on the weekends, but my hope is as the family learns to entertain themselves in other ways, the weekends won't be completely overrun with technology either.

Outside of our house there have been other things occurring in life.  My handicapped aunt started chemotherapy this past week, and my grandma's house, has achieved a sale pending status.   I am praying my aunt doesn't get horribly sick from the chemo, though we do expect her to lose her hair.  Additionally, she is being tested to determine if she was genetically predisposed for this type of cancer. I guess that information is helpful to the rest of us females in this family, but I am really hoping this was a "fluke" and not genetics. As for my grandma's house being sold, I am relieved for my parents' sake.  It has been a long road to get to this point.  However, I am sad too.  As long as I have been around, that place has always been my grandparent's house.  I am torn between walking through it one more time and never going back over.  I am afraid I will turn into a blubbering mess.

This past weekend, my hubby and I spent our night away.  It was so relaxing!  The dinner we had at our inn, was quite possibly one of the best meals I have eaten in my entire life.  Slow roasted prime rib, asparagus cooked to perfection, and a five cheese macaroni with a crusted top, that was heavenly!  We enjoyed a complimentary bottle of wine as well. I felt rejuvenated by the time we returned home, and my eldest survived with only a moderate case of homesickness, which in my opinion was a success. Now that I know we can all do it, my husband and I might need to get away a little more often than once every 10 years.

All in all, I am feeling mostly content.  I would like to hover in this spot of contentment for awhile though.  I am not in any rush to move on to the next thing right now.

It Has Been Awhile

Tomorrow my husband and I are going away for a night.  The operative word is GOING. I can count on one hand, minus a few fingers, how many nights we have had without children in the last almost 11 years. And NEVER have we gone anywhere to have those nights. One child is desperately uncomfortable with overnights, so even if one is fine with being away, we always have the other.  The only place that both kids feel at ease is at my parents' house, and that hasn't been an option too often in the recent past because of my parents' feeling burdened with my grandmothers' care (prior to their deaths), and then my mom's own health issues.  But now, I think we are reaching a place where the kids aren't quite as high maintenance, except for when they are fighting with one another.

I have had married friends take cruises, vacations, or just long weekends with their spouses, sans children, and I have had twinges of jealousy.  I want that, just every now and then. So we are starting with one night, and we won't be far away, but just getting out of our routine and regular obligations for one night is kind of exciting.

My children are taking this event personally, "Can't you have a good time with us around? Why do you need to leave us behind?" I tried to explain that it was so their dad and I can have at least one uninterrupted conversation for one night and be just us.  Sometimes in the day to day, you forget who you are even married to, because so many "business" transactions are taking place.  "Did you pay the cell phone bill?" "Who is taking the kids to their events tonight?" "I have a meeting, dinner is on the stove." And sometimes, after being with other people all day long, we just have no more energy to eek out a meaningful conversation or any real conversation at all.

I keep remembering an Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Raymond and Debra finally get a weekend away from their kids and all they do is pass out on the bed and sleep. At the time, I thought that was funny, and now, NOW I understand it, as only a parent can.

Truthfully, I will probably miss my munchkins, but sometimes it is good to miss people.  It reminds you how much you love having them in your life.