The White Noise of Life

Most of you that know me, know that I am a control freak. So this year, when things suddenly were beyond my control in a lot of areas of my life, my body kind of went into defensive mode, giving me the warning signs to get my stress under control. Some days I am more successful at that than others. I can't just relax, or live and let go. Even while having a pedicure today, the nail technician, kept shaking my foot or leg, and saying, "Relax". What kind of person cannot relax while having a pedicure? Except for maybe an overly ticklish person, which I am not in the least..The last several nights I have resumed my pattern of insomnia until the wee hours of the morning, and this in turn, has made me feel jittery and tense.

I have solutions for coping, especially at night. For an insomniac, if you can't sleep then you think, or at least this insomniac does. And all my thinking gets me into trouble, because really at 1 am, it is hard to push away the things you manage to avoid addressing all day long. The white noise of my life, is everything I schedule, every activity in which I participate, every time I resort to technology, it helps muffle my thoughts...whether it be stress, grief, frustration, or worry. At night, for the longest time (and even still), I need the television to help me fall asleep.  This has caused a bit of an issue for my husband, who claims he can't sleep with the t.v. on, and of course, I can't sleep without it. Seriously, he can usually fall asleep in any circumstance if he is tired enough, but we try to compromise. Keep in mind, I don't watch just anything.  I watch an old comfortable show.  A "gentle" British comedy called As Time Goes By that I have seen a million times and know nearly every line, or if I need a break from that I will pop in Pride and Prejudice the 4 hour version. Maybe it is just the British accents that relax me. My husband doesn't understand how I can stand to have the same shows playing night after night, and to me that answer is a no-brainer.  They are predictable.  Nothing in the shows evoke turmoil or are dramatic, nor is there any action scenes that get the blood racing.  They are calming to me.

Herein lies the problem.  I go all day long without stopping to think about potential stressors or troubling things, I go to sleep with a diversion, that prevents me from thinking and over-analyzing. If I have free time, I find ways to fill it, usually with emails or facebook, so I can remain detached from my fears. However, when I try to give my husband a night off from my usual programming schedule I find myself wide awake for hours.  I pray, and then my mind goes down the rabbit trail I have spent all day avoiding. I re-focus, and try to pray again, only to discover I am making lists in my head of things I need to do.

I am trying to decide whether the white noise ultimately helps me or hurts me. Tonight, as I can't sleep, I am inclined to think it helps get me through.  But like a drug addict, going through withdrawal, perhaps the first few nights are the worst.  If I can just get over the hump of leaving the white noise behind, maybe in the long run things will get better. I don't really know the answer, but I can tell you that I am afraid to try.