Raise Your Hands in the Air Like You Just Don't Care!

Tonight was parent dance practice number 3, aka torturing the rhythmically challenged middle-agers. Since we are dancing to the song "Vogue" I posed the question, "Are we supposed to dress 'glam' like in the video or '80's' which is the general theme of the recital?" despite the fact that Vogue was actually released in 1990.  The answer I got was "80's Glam".  Is there such a thing as 80's glam?  That is a true oxymoron if I ever heard one. Anyway, I guess I need to start trying to create my look.  I think I am going to use suspenders...those were big in the 80's, right?  More on my possible  80's glam look in a later blog.

Back to practice. I guess I should mention that due to a dryer mishap, I missed the the most important part of tonight's practice, so that I could dry a load of clothes at my parents' house. "Practice" actually began 45 minutes earlier this week at a restaurant, within walking distance of the studio, that serves Long Island Iced Teas, among other tasty drinks. That helped a lot of people get loose...and a little bit stupid.  We now are expected to attend 2 practices a week, because yeah, we suck that bad. I was doing fine-ish this evening, until she introduced the "snake" move into the dance. Some moves are just awkward for tall people, and I am here to say that the "snake" is definitely one of them. The teacher told me, "just pretend you are going under a limbo bar sideways".  Oh, now I get it!  Because I actually limbo every weekend! So glad she cleared that up for me! NOT! Now I am going to have to practice snaking in front of the mirror for a week, so that I can pull off some remote semblance of the move. My kids are going to love watching me do that for days on end. Nice.

If you recall the lyrics of Vogue, Madonna sings a line, "Not just where you BUMP and GRIND it".  I knew we were in trouble as we approached that part of the song.  The teacher demonstrated a move, and I nearly walked.  There was no way I could, or would, bump and grind anything with my parents, in-laws, and children looking on.  Thankfully, common sense prevailed, so she toned down her original bump and grind it move to a tamer version. The only problem now, is she has us doing hip movements that definitely resemble hula hoop hip action. Have I ever mentioned I never did learn to hula hoop? I am lucky if I can keep a hula hoop airborne for two trips around my body, and that is if I give it a big swirl with my arms first. Sigh.

I am at a distinct disadvantage.  You have the heavyset women that have a lot to shake.  You have the cute skinny women that have rhythm, and then there is me...somewhere in the middle. Not quite enough booty to shake effectively, and not little enough to look cute doing it. I need to kill it with my outfit.  Maybe then no one will realize I can't dance.  Maybe. But probably not.